[kissingfish]

Hi Irish,
I took me a while to think of what to write after reading all of that. Honestly, my first reaction was to not respond because it was overwhelming. I did a lot of praying and I have found the power from God to put some things into words that I hope will be constructive. Not to put your situation in a worse light; but it made me praise God that I was not in your wife's position. I will do my best to respond with an open mind and heart. What I say may or may not pertain to your situation and you may or may not agree with what I have to say. I am not going to pretend to know both sides nor that what you say is 100% true or 100% false, this is just my feelings from what I've read.

I am tried to deal with the situation of my wife/mother issue, and it seems to me like every time I would bring this up it would be to defend my mother or that I was siding with my mother rather than my wife, and I never wanted to give that impression, just to find out what was going on and I'll explain why

Always defending your mother? I know when my boyfriend did this I felt betrayed, unloved, unheard and unimportant.

After I had met my wife and married her I explained her that I had some deep wounds with my parents, that I wasn't happy at them or being around them and that she should probably get used to the idea of her not getting to know them or our children for that matter. She, in a healthy way tried to push me towards having some sort of conversation with my family in Europe, periodically I'd start talking to my mom on the phone again and eventually I started talking to my father again, which was very hard for me. I got used to it and everything was moving smoothly, we kept regular contact, I'd say something like once a month or every three weeks we'd talk on the phone then IM or whatever.

She probably did not know that your mother was manipulative (you have stated as much earlier) and wanted people to get along. I had no idea when I started dating my boyfriend how much hurt some one's mother can cause their child and anyone who loves their child. Putting one's parents first is commendable so long as it does not ruin your life. I did not let my boyfriend's mother ruin mine--I got out.

Some things it was hard to figure out if my wife was ok or uncomfortable but you could only guess... My wife isn't the best at communicating her feelings, which has also become an issue because things and feelings keep coming up from God knows when in what situation, and it makes me feel betrayed or misinformed sometimes.

You felt betrayed? How must your wife feel not being supported and not believed in deference to your mother? Are you sure you were listening to her? I can tell you from experience there is no way to compete with some one's mother when they have a griphold on their child. I eventually gave up trying to get through to my boyfriend because my side was never right and he put mommy first--end of story everytime. Or do you think your wife might have felt frightened to express her dislike of the situation in fear of angering you? Maybe she was trying to walk a line and make everyone happy? Could it be a bit of both? Only you and your wife can know that answer.

So yeah I did probably stick together to my parents, my father promised wealth, future and care while here in the US, I was working in a factory making $11 and my wife barely able to scratch $9, we were living at my in laws for our second year, so whilst I might understand that she felt I was kind of hooked up in my mother's apron, I have to say I did not see much of a future here anyways.

April '06 my wife gets pregnant, because my Grandfather is old about 91 years old we decide to phone my parents and spread the news on my side of the family (Europe)with only one month in to the pregnancy, we keep it low profile here (you know still living at the in laws...) We decide we really need to move out of there and we decide to announce it as soon as we move out. Her parents one night at dinner ask her if she's pregnant, while I'm about to join them. They find out, and all of a sudden not only we wanted to move out but felt rushed to move out, we were out by June 24th with not enough time to look for a decent place (when we sign the lease for a $975 dollar a month duplex making the money that I said above)

It sounds like you blame your in-laws for giving you a place to stay for two years. I would think it was not the nicest thing to do not to share your good news with them when you shared it with your own parents. You almost seem to be blaming them for you having to move to a place you did not want to go. After living with them for two years did they charge less rent? You may have felt rushed to move out but that is the fault of your wife and you...you should have looked harder for a less expensive place, if you both signed a lease then you both should have known the consequences. How does this factor into what happened? I guess here it just sounds like you are looking for some sympathy...maybe I'm wrong.

My neighbor offers me a job and trade I take which I currently have and start making more money. My wife would stop working as soon as she delivered and wasn't certain on what to do with herself at this point, I give her the option to stay at home and take care of our daughter, that she may cover some expenses with unemployment, when the six months of unemployment are done, she can contribute with her stock money. And I'm not talking about being in a relationship where 50/50 had to be paid but anything I couldn't cover she could take over which wasn't that much.

You gave her the option of staying home? Only after you got a new job or after she delivered? What was the plan before that? Again, it sounds like you planned poorly. Did she not have any thoughts on what she could do? Again, it sounds like BOTH of you planned poorly. Who was taking care of the baby while you were working? That's a job too...and from farther down it looks like you were not doing much when you came home...so you're right...it does not look like a 50/50 relationship. It seems to me money is a big issue for you...more important than your wife and what is really going on. It makes me think of the rich man in the story of Lazarus. Again, I may or may not be right.

Overtime starts, with it I get home exhausted after 50 and 55 hour weeks, I sit in front of the PC playing games or trolling on forums, I am being selfish yes, I know I am wrong to do this and not proud. The relationship deteriorates because of my gaming addiction and lack of help. We had an encounter in which I was tired of her yelling at me and not giving me space, so in a rage I got up and broke a chair, which only escalated to her screeching and yelling and swearing at me, I was ashamed and intimidated, remember that my neighbor next door aka my boss could probably hear all the yelling, so I grabbed my wife by the arm and told her to stop, she knows I'm getting violent now so she attempts to go upstairs, I come behind her and grab her, then I pull her down and put my hand in her mouth asking her to stop yelling, according to her I was strangling her, that was never reported or dealt with... Please have in mind though I started the paragraph about the hours I was working I don't blame my behavior on anything else but me.

Here I really don't know what to say. You put everything in front of your relationship with your wife; your mother, your work, your money your games... If I read correctly you did this to your wife while she was pregnant. It's disgusting to think about if she weren't...but if she was pregnant when you did that you should really not just dust that off as "one of those things." You put your hand over her mouth and she stood there? If she was that upset? I don't know what to think there...but you sound like you were terrorizing her. I'm going to add a link at the end of this about the cycle of violence...I hope you look at it. If she was indeed pregnant she should have left you right then, no one has a right to harm some one like that and an unborn child is innocent and does not need that kind of stress and violence. You say you don't blame your behavior on anything but you...but from some of your words you don't think what you did was that bad. that's somewhat troubling.

January 03 we have our daughter, with it come the sleepless nights, she can stay at home I get up at 3 am and go to work, making enough money to support most of the expenses I am a happy daddy, nothing made me happier than to be able to provide for my family and go home and have them waiting for me after a hard day at work... However I still dedicate a lot of time to the PC, more than I should to the family, though a couple of arguments here and there I want to dedicate my focus on something positive, so I go to a psychologist and try to figure out if I have ADD or any learning disabilities, they examine my coconut, and the Doc comes one day saying, Ryan you are fine, you can go to school, however you seem to have some anxiety disorders and by the initial test you took here it seems that you were abused when you were a kid. Would you like to talk about it? - so then they schedule me with a psychiatrist and therapist and start getting help on my anger, anxiety etc and that's where you picked up the rest.

Now briefly going back to mother/wife issue... I get confused, my wife hugs my mother and everything seems fine right up till when she leaves in the airport to go back home, once she is gone and we get home I find out she rips on my mother with her sister through yahoo IM, claiming that my mother had been very pushy about us moving to Europe, and my wife was taken advantage of my mother at a time when my wife was vulnerable and fragile because she was depressed because she couldn't get a job. So fine, forget that.

So let me get this straight. You did not do anything in between that time and the time your mother showed up? No violence or yelling...(look at the cycle--you'll see that's part of it) Then you brought your mother into your home. Some one who is a manipulator and if she claims your mother was being pushy...how do you know she was not? Did you spend lots of time with them? Did you spend all of the time with your mother alone and leave her out of things? How do you know she was depressed that she could not a get a job? Perhaps she was depressed because she was living in an abusive situation with a new baby and to add to it a person who she knew got into the middle of things was there with you. In that situation...I have no idea what I would have done. I am surprised your wife is still sane...is she??

When I got arrested and brought to jail for this battery I had recently 2 months ago, and I got out my mother called me worried and explained me that my wife told her everything, but she also added, Your son is the way he is because of the way you raised him and abused him... Basically calling my parents a failure for everything they did, something I wouldn't of done myself and I had more right to than anyone else... and my wife had nothing to gain nor loose from saying that but just opening a can of worms. If she did I'd like to know what you think... Forget that too.

Did you look at the link in my previous post about child abuse and what it does to kids when they're adults? Also, if your mother was talking to your wife right after all of this I can imagine your wife was in shock..are you seriously going to hold that against her after you repeatedly abused her? Again, that's a troubling thought and I hope I am wrong about that feeling.

Now, my mother used to be able to watch pictures of our daughter on a flickr account, and my wife erased her permissions to see their only grand daughter, when I asked her why would she do such thing, she said "I'm afraid that your parents might photo shop a picture of our daughter and make a fake passport and kidnap her to Europe". My jaw hit the floor here, I am not trying to protect my parents but just rationalize and be civil and instead of having boundaries drawn all I see it's either all or nothing kind of attitude.

Seriously, after all that you have written, the photos seems inconsequntial. It looks like you have bigger issues that need to be dealt with. If you want to deal with your mother first, deal with your mother first, but if your wife is anything like me (though I doubt she is as she's still with you and has actually put up with all of this) I would not expect her to be around when you are done dealing with your mother. People can only deal with so much and it looks like there has been a lot to deal with.

But so far I am careless about some things right now.

Are you really careless about your wife? Then you should just let her go. You may not care about her but stop terrorizing her. If you do care about her...get your priorities straight. You sound very conflicted and confused. Is there anyone you can talk to about this? Other Christians in your church? Perhaps a church elder, pastor or priest? I know you may not like what I said, but as I said I prayed long and hard about whether or not to respond and how to respond. I only hope that God gives you the wisdom you need to deal with this situation. I will be praying for you, your wife and child. Here is the link about the cycle of abuse. http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Cycle_of_abuse I hope it can give you some insight. God Bless you.

ETA: I hope some others can respond to this. I don't know if I'm being too harsh having dealt with my boyfriend's mother.