Do I have a Testimony?

[jescrawf]

I dont even feel I have a real testimony at this point in my life that is finished. I feel it will be done at the end of my life. Maybe I am wrong. Here goes: My parents were not christians when they married. Then my mom was diagnosed with MS and she heard the gospel from my aunt and accepted Christ as her savior. My dad wanted nothing to do with it at first but everyone was praying for him and eventually he also accepted Jesus Christ into his life. Whe I was 4 I also knelt beside my bed with my mom and accepted Christ into my "heart". Anyway life was pretty normal until I was about 12 when my mom took a turn for the worse and was confined to a wheel chair. The MS has covered her brain with scars/plaque that looks like a snow storm. In one day I had a mom and the next a woman who could not walk, acted different, and was more like a child. I felt angry/sad but never let anyone know. I did not like who she had become and it was and still is hard for me to accept. In the next couple years I started developing horrible anxiety/panic/obsessive qualities. I did not know what was wrong with me but that I must be going crazy. I did not tell anyone for a few years untill my senior year when it spiraled out of control. I wanted to die because I could not handle the overwhelming things that were happening to my mind. I told my parents and they took me to the doc and I took an antidepressent (zoloft) and it saved my life. I wasnt really following Christ. I still believed in him and desired to be close to him though. I felt different from everyone else especially other christians. I felt I was more sinful and not acceptable to God even though I knew why he died for me. I wanted Christ but felt I couldnt be what he wanted. The next year I went to a christian college, picked the one bad (abusive/schizo) guy there and got pregnant at 18 (nice, I know). It would take forever to go into detail about all my bad choices throughout the years. Even now I feel so ashamed and sad about the choices I have made. But that is the past. Even now though I am the same person and I wonder if I would make the same bad choices all over again...probably. Hope not though. Anyway I am now married to a wonderful christian guy but I am really struggling with my obsessive compulsive disorder/depression. I love Jesus, but I cant lie that life is hard. I still dont know where I am heading or why. I struggle cuz inside I feel I am one of the worst sinners even though now I dont do a lot of "bad" things for people to see, I know my thoughts, my anger, worry, doubt in the Lord. The last two years have been so hard struggling with my OCD, I am disillusioned to this life. The reason why I am so disillusioned is not because of my wonderful family but because I am living with a "crazy" brain and it is so hard for me to deal with things. It is so hard when your brain thinks things over and over and you want to do things over and over compulsively to feel better and you cant stop no matter how stupid and worthless you know they are. When you are young you think about your future how great it will be but now that I am here its just so hard. I love my family and feel I am ungrateful, but I am not. I just dont like who I am. I am sorry this is a depressing story. Dont even know if it qualifies as a testimony. Seems like all others are happy. Anyway I still feel angry about my mom cuz she is not who she used to be. She is kind of crazy now and I feel ashamed to feel these negagtive feelings about her. I just feel so much anger inside me a lot. I constantly feel anxiety/annoyance at everything. I feel like a real failure. I look at others and think "They seem to have it all together". I know i need to deal with things and get over things but I have a stubborn mind and its gonna have to be Jesus who helps me cuz i cant do it on my own. I pray Jesus wont let me die before I can be what he wants and learn what I need to know to really see who he is and who I am in him. I feel I am in some really dark, lonely times in my life and I pray God is doing something in me but I just dont know what. Please Lord dont forget about me.

[ThenThereWasRED]

We all have different testimonies how we came to Christ. Your's is no different. Thanks for sharing.
Panic attacks stink and not a good thing to live with. My mom suffers from them cause of different health issues.
The important thing is not to let it keep you trapped in your life. Give it to God and ask him to help you through them. I have watched my mom for years, especially late at night, walk the floor praying asking God for help with her panic attacks.
There's some online websites that help also with info on panic attacks and how to deal with them. Trying to distress your life can be a good thing, praying and staying in God's word is also helpful. Playing uplifting christian music and listening to Bible teaching on the radio also helps my mom. She tries to stay busy doing things also to keep her mind busy so that Satan doesn't have a chance to play with her.

Help for panic attacks

[BlueIceDragon]

That's a wonderful testimony. Although it's difficult (I appreciate your struggles here), thank you for your honesty in relating them. God is working in your life and He will not forget about you.

[RestoreTheRiver]

We are all pilgrims on our journey home. None of us here in this world have arrived. So, the only testimony any of us can offer is what God has done, and is doing, in our lives. God is at work in your life. Keep walking in the light that He gives you, one step at a time.

Your struggles are not the end of your story. They are only a page, or perhaps, only a paragraph in the story God is writing with, and in you. Thank you for sharing honestly. It is the honest pilgrims who help each other.

Michael