Suicide was painless...

God_Owned · #1 (**permalink**) 07-09-2007, 08:38 AM

It was the 1971 spring semester. I had moved into a university dormitory with a roommate named Ken who soon figured out I wasn?t a happy camper. He was a member of the Campus Crusade for Christ (CCC) and decided Jesus was the solution to my problems.

Ken continually told me, ?Jesus is your answer.?

Every time he said this, it sent chills up my spine as if someone were dragging their fingernails across a slate chalkboard.

In spite of my apparent displeasure, he kept repeating, ?Jesus is your answer.?

He even made little Jesus signs all over our room. He placed thumbtacks in our cork bulletin board to form the letter ?J? for Jesus.

My dislike of Ken didn?t stop him from continually inviting me to CCC fellowship meetings. Smelling a trap, I refused, but Ken persisted.

Finally I told Ken I had enough of his nagging. I said I?d go to his stupid fellowship meeting under one condition, if I found Jesus wasn?t the answer then Ken would never bring the subject up again. He agreed! I thought I had him now. I had no intention of believing Jesus was the answer. I just wanted Ken off my back.

That night I accompanied Ken to a large old white house where the CCC meeting was being held. I walked into the large living room, where I found numerous people gathered in a circle. They were holding hands and singing praises to God. Others were simply praying while holding hands. I wasn?t sure what was going on, but it was immediately and painfully apparent to me that these folks were happy. Additionally, there was a sense of peace in the room which I?d never known.

I started to become depressed because I already knew I wasn?t happy, but now I knew precisely how unhappy I was. It was a terrible thing to see myself for the miserable, morose and lonely person I?d become. My fault or not, I saw myself as a far more wretched human being than I?d already known myself to be.

My mind searched for an entry point into this group, but their world was alien from mine. I started to become angry because I felt deprived, believing I could never be happy like them. I envied them their happiness and peace.

I?d finally had enough of these pious CCC types, so I left the house in a huff and walked back to my dormitory. Leaving the house, I was so depressed and unhappy that my posture was bent over. I simultaneously suffered the weight of demonic depression and conviction of the Holy Ghost.

Confused and miserable, I decided I?d had enough of what this stinking world had to offer me. I wanted to get off the train now.

I again decided suicide my best option. I planned to jump from my dormitory?s five-story high roof to certain death on the concrete parking lot below. I didn?t consider losing my life much of a loss. I reasoned being born was death?s launching pad anyway and that I was only speeding things up by a few years.

I started to feel a little better because I?d made the decision which I thought would make things better. Erroneously I viewed death as an automatic trip to Heaven. I was set to follow through with my plan, not knowing that God had a plan of His own.

I finally arrived at my dormitory. As I put my hand on the inner door, I looked up and spoke to God, for what I thought would be the last time.

Out of sheer desperation, I muttered, ?Jesus if you?re there, I?m yours.?

To my utter amazement, Jesus was there. Instantly, something evil left me as Jesus entered into my spirit. I felt the warm shower of God?s love permeate and cleanse me. I felt the depressing weight suddenly lift off me, straightening my hunched over body. I felt relieved of all my burdens. I was happy and at peace. I no longer had any sense of guilt or shame. I felt as if I could almost fly away. Most importantly, I didn?t mind being me for the first time since the molestation began. My world wasn?t the wretched place it was just moments before. I never imagined life could be like this. Jesus, friend of my youth, had given me new life in God.

I had finally done it, I?d really committed suicide! I?d killed my old man by becoming a born-again Christian, a new creature in Christ Jesus!

2 Corinthians 5:17 Therefore if any man be in
Christ, he is a new creature: old things are
passed away; behold, all things are become new.

The confirmation of my salvation was immediate. As I entered the dormitory?s inner door, I ran into an unsaved girl I knew.

Without my saying a word, she looked me straight in the eyes and said, "You just accepted Jesus didn?t you?"

I answered, ?YES!?

I went to my room. Later, Ken returned to the Dorm. I told him what had happened. He was overjoyed for me. Ken looked pretty good to me now. Suddenly I found myself loving someone who, less than an hour before, I hated with everything that was in me. I didn?t hate him any longer because the hate filled thing in me was gone.

After being born-again my grades began to improve. I completed my first semester with a ?C? grade point average, a feat previously beyond my ability. This was the best grade card that I?d received since Dad began molesting me. It wasn?t the six ?A?s? and two ?B? I?d received just prior to being molested, but it was still a step up.

Gwenyfur · #2 (**permalink**) 07-09-2007, 12:41 PM

What a beautiful and touching testimony of G-d love and grace...and of His faithfulness to His most precious creation....us....

The amazing part is...He was always right there, and will always be there...all we ever have to do is say do what You will L-rd, I am Yours...

Shalom!

ranyhyn · #3 (**permalink**) 07-09-2007, 03:45 PM

Great testimony. Yet another reminder that even when we're in our darkest of times Jesus is right there...waiting...ready to pick us up and carry us through the hard time.

Good to hear that your grades improved as well !