Expectations of marriage

[irishman82]

Dear Kissingfish,

You are not being harsh at all IMO, I've done wrong and I deserve wrong to go with me. I am going to read the article you posted and will post more later about it.

I just really don't know what to say, some of the things that you said opened my eyes, some of them are out of my control.

I don't know where I'm at, just hoping to die sometime soon and be out of this misery, all fears I had in my life about a relationship are becoming true. When I think of it, it eats me inside. All my life it's been like that, perhaps you are right and I should let her go, though I am not holding her, she is with me by her choice...

Her parents are great people and didn't mean to sound negative about the way they helped us, I was just always raised in a way like worry about tomorrow and make money for your family... I don't know if money was and is a priority like you say, it does cause a lot of anxiety in me for fear of loosing my job etc... what happens then? not only there would be no income I feel like I would get blamed for it.

[kissingfish]

Irish,
I am glad you took my message with the spirit I wrote it in. I hope you look at the information and have a chance to talk to others, in person, about what is there. The worries you have are ones that many people have but too much worry can could your mind and blind you to the truth path you are meant to take. Pray to God for the light you need to light your way. I will still pray for you and your family.

[irishman82]

Thank you kissing fish, sometimes hard words that are meant in a good way can open one's eyes in a way to better a situation.

I also thank you for taking time to pray for me and my family.

[kissingfish]

I was just praying for you and your family. I just wanted to check in to see how things are going.

[irishman82]

I thought a lot of what you told me that maybe I should let her go, and I think that's what I might just end up doing... We do nothing but arguing and I feel that I am trying and she keeps raising that bar of expectations, I bring up issues that need to be addressed that she doesn't like to deal with and I don't hear the end of it.

I am not working on the marriage, I am working on myself. I've lost all interest whatsoever on the marriage, I only want to see my daughter more and enjoy her. Right now I only see her 30 minutes every 3 days.

Other than that my life is improving, I do not get upset about things I used to and socially I get a long good with people and when there are tensions I walk away, I figure I could do that in a new relationship in the future, just not in this one since there's always a bitterness in the air.

She recently told me that I caused her to get asphyxiated four years ago and the stress I was putting on her at the time caused it, when I considered we were doing alright at the moment, I brought her to the emergency room after calling her family and trying to figure out what was wrong with her (all this happened when we were sitting down eating food that I cooked so I was wondering for a minute if I did something wrong lol) we get to the emergency room and spend there a good part of the night, she got better and praised me and thanked me for saving her life, her family did the same... now after four years I am the cause of that. She tells me I do not care for my child even though I have never said no to anything that my child needs, furthermore I stick with the program and try not to argue it... it's hard not to see my child as it is.

I am meeting new people through myspace and trying to keep my head busy, things which I am doing through marriage counseling, I was told to meet new people... well when most of these people are women she gets a fit and calls them ****s without knowing them, gives me ultimatums in front of my child that if I cheat on her we're done, I say nothing. But it's ok for her to post pictures of her and her old friends and some seductive pictures after bars in college time.

Yep, I think I can say I pretty much don't give a rat's *** about my marriage, moreover I know that I am probably going to get it big in the financial department but I won't have to deal with her as much and I'll be able to start a new life, and most important see my child more often and see her grow.

I am ready to move on. I started doing wrong, but she would only not let go but get everyone around us involved, she holds grudges and throws things at my face from even four years ago. She says she loves me on the phone in a tone that she expects me to say the same, yet she does not show that love.

My friends I am ready to move on.

[romanseight2005]

Please know that god can restore the years the locust has eaten. He can give you a completely new heart towards your wife, and He can give her a completely new heart towards you. If you get into another relationship, you will be taking all of your unforgiveness with you. If you are capable of truly forgiving her then, you are capable of doing it in your current marriage. Please look to God. Think of your daughter. Divorce will hurt her immeasurably. It is a lie from the devil that your marriage is unfixable. With God all things are possible, and He is in the business of changing hearts, Get on your knees and ask Him to change your heart, and to love her with His love. Realize that the way we are to love our spouses is His way. This means that we love them because He first loved us. We don't love them because of how wonderful they are. We love unconditionally. We do this because God empowers us to do this, not because we have it in us to do it. Get Power of a Praying Husband by Stormie Omartian, and start praying everyday for yourself, your wife, and your daughter. I say to use the book, at least at first because it will help you to pray rightly. Sometimes when we are hurt or angry, we pray selfishly. This book will help you to pray in a Godly way.

[kissingfish]

Wow...by letting her go I meant to give her some time. Divorce is a sin and not an option I thought some one such as yourself would take. If you are talking to women on Myspace, sharing secrets and personal feelings you are cheating on your wife and she did have a right to be upset. I don't know what women you have on there, nor what she called them as it was starred out. It just seems like a very rash decision. I wrote what I wrote as kind of a "devil's advocate" sort of thing...

I just hope you have made the right decision, I pray mostly for your daughter and the irreprable harm you will be doing her by getting this divorce, not to mention the harm you did to her mother. I pray that you will find new insight and no that running to other women is not going to solve your problems. Not even if you go through with this divorce. I pray for your soul because this is a stain that may never be washed away. But I just pray that you made this decision with a clear head and without the influences of outside parties. Are you sure you were not already cheating in your mind? I would say and i hoped you made this decision with God's help...but I know God does not agree with divorce.

[Annie]

Originally Posted by irishman82

I am ready to move on. I started doing wrong, but she would only not let go but get everyone around us involved, she holds grudges and throws things at my face from even four years ago. She says she loves me on the phone in a tone that she expects me to say the same, yet she does not show that love.

My friends I am ready to move on.

honestly this sounds like a woman who is really in pain. If she hated you and wanted nothing to do with you she would have served the divorce papers herself by now and wouldn't bother talking to you on the phone at all. What she's looking for is a real affirmation of your love for her. When all you do is fight and when she hears you're actively looking to meet other women it would only make sense she would try to hurt you by calling these women names and throwing things in your face from years ago. It may not be the right way to deal with that hurt but holding that against her isn't going to do much for making peace, all it'll do is carry on the cycle of unhealthy dialogue and interaction. She needs some reason to hope that things are going to turn around for you and there can be reconciliation.

have you ever read a book called The PeaceMaker by Ken Sande? If not i would suggest picking up a copy. My church went through this when we were going through a time of division but this also works well for personal one on one situations and takes you through a biblical plan for true reconciliation. perhaps it would help you and your wife to read through this together.

[irishman82]

I am not actively seeking women but seems like those are the only people that want to have a bit of a chat with me and that's it. It stays there, I shared my problems with them seeking advice like I do here, and I get advice from what appears to me as two ladies. What is the difference?

I just see her as manipulative, everything I do is wrong in her mind. She wanted to get my parents out of the way so she drew a harsh boundary with no option to forgive them in the future. She restricted my parents to see their ONLY grand daughter from flickr for fear they would photoshop my daughter's picture, make a fake passport and kidnap her to Europe! She has BLOWN THINGS OUT OF PROPORTION to her relatives, friends and people that know us. Her family speaks nothing to me, after I sent letters admitting what I did was wrong and that I am willing to change, I tried calling them they do not answer, these people are unforgiving, they do not bother to listen to me or what I have to say, I've just beaten the living crap out of their daughter and that's how they see it, when it's not!

I've admitted I will be stepping up to the plate, yet that is not enough for my wife, I just wanted moral support when all along she just kept telling me I was just getting a slap on the wrist. Well how worse does it get than what I mentioned above?

She sends me the 7 commandments, because I am not trustworthy!

Boundaries for me.



1. Take Saoirse?s name and photo off of Myspace. Her safety is at stake.

2. Stay engaged and committed to counseling, try the Controlled Separation.

3. Cease contacting single women on Myspace.com and/or adding them to your page.

4. If you get a roommate, only a male roommate,

5. If something is bothering about money or us, be upfront and honest about it. (i.e. Do not ask for the camera, then expect me to get the truth out of you. Say instead ?I have these bills that came in, I?m a bit worried, do you think we can discuss this??

6. No more lies. No more ?made up? people (i.e. Made up woman to meet in the park, etc?)

7. Keep lines of communication open as per the Controlled Separation.

Is she in a lot of pain or does she want me to feel it?

I might end up in hell someday when I die and I will try not to end up there then. But I will not live through one!

[Annie]

perhaps she is blowing things out of proportion but thats probably the only way she knows how to deal with the situation. Holding that against her isn't going to help things. Really forgiving her and showing her you can be trustworthy will, even if it isn't exactly the happiest thing for you right now. I really do hope you will look into getting a copy of that book i mentioned because i really do think if you and your wife would read it together and apply the principles therein that it could help the two of you handle these issues in a much healthier way.