Expectations of marriage

[This_Beautiful_Faith]

Is marriage everything you thought it would be before you entered it? What is the same? What is different? I was talking to an older friend about this earlier this week and it got me wondering what others had to say on this.

[irishman82]

I suppose that I expected my marriage to be the same as I witnessed as I was growing up in my family. The roles that I saw my father and mother do in the family. I was confused however and somehow used their marriage as a template for mine.

Each couple and marriage IMO are different, since you deal with different kinds of personalities though, in the end they should all fall under the same morals.

In my personal situation with my wife I am realizing that it's not how we deal with our disagreements but how we deal with agreeing that we disagree, instead of locking ourselves in the negative aspect of an argument.

[3grands]

irishman82, I agree with you. As a married couple, it's like you're taking two entirely different households and trying to combine them - how decisions are made especially financial ones, attitudes, priorities, child rearing ideas, etc. We play out those roles in our minds - unless we make a conscience decision to do otherwise. That's the reason why couples can live together for years and get married, then divorce. They switched from "dating" to "married."

If you've lived independently of your parents including financially, then you have somewhat of an idea of what's being referred to.

My dh and I learned the hard way to put God first then the other things fall into place better.

Also, we both had made a lot of assumptions and should have taken care of those beforehand.

Successful marriage tips are in God's Word; i.e. guy l-o-v-e-s her and she r-e-s-p-e-c-t-s him - ok, I won't get started b/c that's not your question.

You're smart to ask and get a wide range of opinions but remember it's just that our opinion.

So our marriage is different than what we expected but we had unrealistic ideas.

After 38 years of marriage we've learned, our marriage is what we make it with Yahweh's help.

[KitsapGirl]

Yes it is what I expected...and also no.

Yes - Marriage is FAMILY. When I married my DH, he became my family. Family is suposed to be forever. Family loves even when we "hate" each other. Family forgives, even when we continue to hurt. Family takes care of each other. Family feels with each other.

No - I had bought into the "romance" of marriage. I thought that since I had waited until marriage that our physical union would be perfect always. That we would complete each other. That I would ALWAYS FEEL like I loved him.

Be careful of the romance idea...it can be devistating when it isn't perfect.

I posted this on another thread...

Romance...we all want it in our lives...right? Married couples are constantly told how to "rekindle" a romance. Unmarried couples want marriage or at least a partner for romantic porposes. We're bombarded with it. TV, music, movies, books, cards, letters, stickers....the list goes forever.

Do we know what romance is?

Is it showing your significant other how much you appreciate him/her? Is it being lovey dovey?


Quote:
ro?mance1 /n., adj. roʊˈm?ns, ˈroʊm?ns; v. roʊˈm?ns/ Pronunciation Key - Show Spelled Pronunciation[n., adj. roh-mans, roh-mans; v. roh-mans] Pronunciation Key - Show IPA Pronunciation noun, verb, -manced, -manc?ing, adjective
?noun 1. a novel or other prose narrative depicting heroic or marvelous deeds, pageantry, romantic exploits, etc., usually in a historical or imaginary setting.
2. the colorful world, life, or conditions depicted in such tales.
3. a medieval narrative, originally one in verse and in some Romance dialect, treating of heroic, fantastic, or supernatural events, often in the form of allegory.
4. a baseless, made-up story, usually full of exaggeration or fanciful invention.
5. a romantic spirit, sentiment, emotion, or desire.
6. romantic character or quality.
7. a romantic affair or experience; a love affair.
8. (initial capital letter) Also, Romanic. Also called Romance languages. the group of Italic Indo-European languages descended since a.d. 800 from Latin, as French, Spanish, Italian, Portuguese, Romanian, Proven?al, Catalan, Rhaeto-Romanic, Sardinian, and Ladino. Abbreviation: Rom.
?verb (used without object) 9. to invent or relate romances; indulge in fanciful or extravagant stories or daydreams.
10. to think or talk romantically.
?verb (used with object) 11. Informal. a. to court or woo romantically; treat with ardor or chivalrousness: He's currently romancing a very attractive widow.
b. to court the favor of or make overtures to; play up to: They need to romance the local business community if they expect to do business here.

?adjective 12. (initial capital letter) Also, Romanic. of, pertaining to, or noting Romance: a Romance language.

[Origin: 1250?1300; ME romaunce Romanic language, composition in such a language < OF, deriv. of romanz, romans (adj.) Romanic < VL *Rōmānic? (adv.) in a Romance language, deriv. of L Rōmānicus Romanic]

?Related forms
ro?manc?er, noun

?Synonyms 1. story, fiction. 4. falsehood, fable. 6. allure, fascination, exoticism.
Dictionary.com Unabridged (v 1.1)
Based on the Random House Unabridged Dictionary, ? Random House, Inc. 2006.

Pay attention to #'s 5, 6, 7 & 10. This is our current notion of romance...but did you catch the other meanings?

#4 - in particular caught the eye of my sunday school teacher...He looked the word up in Websters 1828 dictionary...


Quote:
ROMANCE, n. romans', ro'mans.

1. A fabulous relation or story of adventures and incidents, designed for the entertainment of readers; a tale of extraordinary adventures, fictitious and often extravagant, usually a tale of love or war, subjects interesting the sensibilities of the heart, or the passions of wonder and curiosity. Romance differs from the novel, as it treats of great actions and extraordinary adventures; that is, according to the Welch signification, it vaults or soars beyond the limits of fact and real life, and often of probability.

The first romances were a monstrous assemblage of histories, in which truth and fiction were blended without probability; a composition of amorous adventures and the extravagant ideas of chivalry.

2. A fiction.
ROMANCE, v.i. romans', ro'mans. To forge and tell fictitious stories; to deal in extravagant stories.

ROMAN'TIC, a.

1. Pertaining to romance, or resembling it; wild; fanciful; extravagant; as a romantic taste; romantic notions; romantic expectations; romantic zeal.

2. Improbably or chimerical; fictitious; as a romantic tale.

3. Fanciful; wild; full of wild or fantastic scenery; as a romantic prospect or landscape; a romantic situation


So if romance started out as a fiction...then how did it become a loving gesture?

My SS teacher didn't go further than to suggest that it changed because of "romance novels".

Romance novels are FILLED with obsession, lies, lust, envy, sex, and adultry...this would be the true meaning of romance.

Whay would I want that in my life?

Romance is a flasehood...Love is not.

[3grands]

agree with kitsapgirl - some expect a very romantic marriage - that's one of the things I meant when I said unrealistic ideas.

Want to add to my previous post - I love my dh more today than I did when I married him.

[KitsapGirl]

Originally Posted by 3grands

agree with kitsapgirl - some expect a very romantic marriage - that's one of the things I meant when I said unrealistic ideas.

Want to add to my previous post - I love my dh more today than I did when I married him.

Me too! I can't imagine life without him now...15yrs & it seems like only a few.

[Gwenyfur]

Agree on the "romance"...it's not romantic...

but after almost 10 years, I can tell you it is hard work and lots of sacrifice, on both parts...

my former mother in law and father in law just celebrated their 60th anniversary...yep...I typed 60 years...

I asked her how they did it...

I quote:

"It was hell" but she smiled and laughed as she said it. They survived the end of the 2nd world war together, Korea, Vietnam, the rise of promiscuity, feminism, the decadence of the 80's and even into the new millenium...

They had their rough times, they had their great times, but as they're both in their mid 80's now...they find they're just as in love as they took their vows...and not because it's "romantic" ... but because they chose to be together, to always work as a team, and to make their vows the foundation for their lives together.

[kissingfish]

I was in a serious relationship and almost married the man. But his mother controlled his every move...well, most of the time. There would be times when we would have our time together and he'd forget to call her for a week or sometimes a month. Then she'd call again and he'd completely change. I guess in a marriage I would expect my spouse to think for himself. (I hope you don't mind this single putting in her 2 cents worth here). I am wrong to expect a man to be a man and have the ability to know when his mother is doing something for his benefit and when she is doing something for her own benefit?

[TrinityLives]

I think for anyone getting ready to be married or in any form of relationship they ought to read

" Love Busters" By Dr. Harley


It is a honest look at how relationships evolve and how they can unravel quickly.

Marriage is what I thought it would be... work...and love then repeat........

[OracleX]

For me it has continued to get better as the years roll on. I don't know what I expected when I got married.

I am a fairly quite person and not all that out going (and I think my wife is the same). As my wife would say, I am about exciting as a cardboard box. And yet my daughter has more fun playing with the box a toy comes in that they toy itself, so I take it as a compliment.

In any case, when we got married our lives really didn't seem to change that much until our daughter was born. That is when I would say that it became something that I was not expecting. My daughter has been the greatest thing and brings so much joy to us.

I guess in some ways I didn't expect being married to be as hard as it was at the start. We made lots of mistakes but I think it was because we understood that love is a choice not a emotion that got us through it.