what do ya do?

[Gwenyfur]

Tomorrow is our 10 year anniversary...

no plans
no celebration

I guess after 10 years I should be used to the lack of "romance"

but darn it! it's 10 years...once every 10 years won't kill him will it?


ah well...

[Annie]

i'm not married so i hope its okay by you if i post

maybe romance isn't something he's good at or he's shy about or something, i dunno, but why not take the initiative yourself and plan some romantic night out with him? or maybe kick the kids out of the house for a few hours and plan a candlelit dinner for two or something?

[Gwenyfur]

ummm last time I did that he turned dinner down to change the brakes on our neighbor's truck :s

seriously it's not shyness or insecurity...it's apathy heh...

[warbler]

Men certainly expect different things in a relationship, and this shows that he decided not to find out what you expected. There's an odd comfort in knowing you don't have to celebrate everything, but he is too comfortable. A ten year anniversary is a big deal.

If his dad is still around, mention it to him... maybe his dad will remind him in a way that he can grasp it. Or a friend of his. I wouldn't normally make moves like this -- it just came to mind that some of my concerns were taken care of by paternal input I found out about later. Coming from a man, it's "ooh, you'd better do something man or else"... coming from a woman, it's "you never."

There's no sense in turning this into a battle, or no one will celebrate. But at least let dh know that this is important to you. Find something manageble that both of you like to do, and invite him. I know, he might end up late or skip out on it, but that's his problem.

Go back to a place where you met, have a chili dog, and talk about old friends. Make the celebration about remembering good times and hard times, instead of something new and distant like getting dressed up for a five-course meal.

You might also ask a friend to be your back-up, in case dh doesn't show up. It would be better to go out with a friend than pace around angry, turning it into a pivotal decision time. Don't let his stubbornnes control how you carry on your life.

[warbler]

I'm thinking, too, that his choice to fix the neighbor's brakes was about value systems in his head. When he felt needed, like rescuing a neighbor, he felt a reward. Going out has a shallow challenge and reward system -- you go out, eat, look at pretty things, pay money, and it's over. In his head, he might think of that as wasteful, especially when he has a list of things he'd like to get done. Driven to feel appreciated or acceptable through accomplishments.

Helping a neighbor, on the other hand, involves feeling useful, appreciation from them, using time well, contributing to the unseen "I owe you" system, bonding, and showing peers that he has skills.

He needs to be able to see relationships as needing attention, but I'm not sure how to get that to sink in. That's your expertise, and he might delegate it all over to you.

At some point, it's healthy to see that a spouse has limits on what they will bring to your life, but I'll bet you did that long ago.

OMG, I just noticed your anniversary was in July! I'm as bad as him, huh. I hope you guys figured it out and had a good time.

[raddmadd]

I know I am only a 17 year old male, haha, but... communication. Shall I say more?

oh, I just noticed this was an older thread too, lol.