Check-In 2

[Pepperoni]

Wow. MGBG, I admire your patience. Unfortunately, I'm one of those people that tells it like it is (yes, I said unfortunately. This is NOT a good thing!) and then later wonders if I should've handled it differently. My marriage is one of those things where I just wonder . . . how can my H go day after day after day and never smile? And the only time he laughs is at his own jokes. He is not interested in me or the kids or anything about us except as it relates to how he can control us. Has it always been this way and I just didn't notice? I'm not sure. But it's particularly difficult when I meet a guy and then I do that dangerous thing of wondering how much differently my life would've turned out if I had met HIM instead of H 20 years ago. That isn't productive in any way, because the truth is I'd likely be in this place no matter who I married. I even jokingly told a friend the other day that I wonder what H would say if I approached him about an open marriage. Or better yet, a DADT (Don't Ask Don't Tell). He wouldn't go for it of course, and it's against God's Will. But for selfish reasons, of course, I've entertained those thoughts.

And here's where Cory can tell me: "Don't go there Pep. Just don't."

[cory]

mbgb,
praying for your dad If you can influence him at this point get him to find a new "job' to do in retirement. it does not have to be a job per se but something to make him get up in the morning stay active both physically and mentally.A lot of men (probably women too but I don't know of any personally) are so wrapped up in their jobs that when they retire they die of boredom. they suddenly have no purpose they become lethargic and depressed. so forget the peacefull retirement pull for the active retirement.
peace,
Cory

[cory]

Pep,
You're learning. Keep praying for change in his heart and your own. remember the passages about God returning what the canker worm has taken many times over. He has stolen much from you hang on for the payback.
cory

A freind of mine told me he envied me in that I still had the wife of my youth. At the time I didn't understand now that God is healing my wife and my marriage I do understand and it is wonderful to have that history good and bad to share.

[mbgb]

Hi guys. Sorry I haven't been around much. Thanks to everyone for their well-wishes about my dad and congrats on me and my "patience" towards my husband.

As for my dad, he does plan on doing some independent contract work for some people he's done business with over the years. I'm sure he'll be happy with whatever job he ends up doing. Thanks for the prayers.

As far as my husband delimmas...I don't feel so patient, as Pep said, today. I thought everything was fine, and DH was coming to know God. But now I doubt. And I thought I was hanging onto my own faith just fine, and just clinging to that each time we got in an argument. But now it's getting harder. I got to church every Sunday. DH never comes with me. I change each time I go. And he says we always get in fights on Sunday. I think it's because I am getting "real" with my faith, and it's refreshed each time I go to church...so my spiritual life isn't as willing to put up with imperfections as it is throughout the week. That's the best way I know how to explain it right now. I just feel pretty lonely today. Rob won't talk to me about anything substantial...and we just fought a lot.

I asked him for advice on what I should do about my friends who are not very good friends, I guess that got me down a bit today as usual. He said I should be the bigger person and go to them. That doesn't sound very Christianly to me though. They continue to hurt me over and over...so I should just accept their flaws? Or should I continue to stay away? They are not Christians in the true sense, just in the fact that they say they believe, but don't walk the walk and talk the talk so to speak. DH either for that matter. He does believe in God and that Jesus died for his sins, now, I am pretty sure. We even discussed joining my church soon. I told him I felt like it was time for me, but wanted him to join too. He seemed pretty open to the idea. Only time will tell though.

Am I doing the right thing? Should I continue to work on my marriage? Or head a different direction? Or what? I am kind of at a brick wall in growth both for myself and my marriage. What to do? I guess I should continue to pray for both things.

Cory, your message to Pep was very good too. Thanks for sharing about keeping the wife of your youth. I often wish I had've hung on for the man of my youth, even though he moved on and married someone else. I do wish to hang onto our marriage, and feel it is God's will to do so. I'm just bummed out today. Is it okay to be bummed out? Is that a Christian thing? Most of my non-Christian friends are never bummed. Should I be bummed? Or do I need to work harder to cover up my sadness? Just wondering.

Thanks for listening. Talk to you soon! I hope everyone had an outstanding Thanksgiving!

[cory]

great thanksgiving.

you can bet your non christian freinds get the blues they just cover them up or don't have them when you are around.What do you think makes them such bad freinds? they displace their angst on you.
Even Christians can get the blues. however we have the joy of the Lord we don't have to be happy to be filled with His joy. For me I thank God for all things even the bad things. The act of obedience and faith brings with it the joy of knowing that He truely is in control in all circumstances.
cory

[Dansey]

What God has put together let no man separate.

I have had countless friends who have been married to people whose faiths did not align at the same time. That does not mean that they eventually will not.

Always continue to work on your marriage! The Bible says that husbands are won over by the conduct of their wives. This is the man that the Lord has put you with and this is the man that he will use to not only encourage you but to test you and refine your character - (which at times is very painful)

The first thing you must realize is that the more you push your husband into participating and believing something or attending something the more he will pull away. THe Holy Spirit is the one who is responsible for drawing him. You are responsible for growing deeper into the character of Christ and asking the Lord for your husband.

The one thing the Lord will continually over and over again break you of is your control of his spritual situation. You are not to take control in situations but rather bring them to the Lord and trust Him to do it in your husband (no matter how long the Lord takes (he works quickly even though it seems slow). The minute you try to take control or push your usband in that direction, the more you will find arguments and strife. Let Him be free. As you begin to look into the word of God and it changes you, your light and peaceful contentment will begin to attract him to you and to the Lord. When he sees the fruit of the character that the Lord is looking at in you, he will want more of the Lord. But it will take time.

As for your friends, ask the Holy Spirit to lead you on when or when not to hang out with them. Ask him to train you in his voice. The Holy Spirit is willing to take control of every part of your life, even this. So while your husband may think one thing and your friend think another and someone else thinks another way, no matter how you cut it, the Lord must show you - otherwise its human wisdom.

I recommend not having him join church unless he feels called to. Each person, married or not is responsible for their own convictions and own motives. Unless he is motivated to do so, there is a reason he is not - and that may be a good or pure reason. You never know. You want his righteous decisions not to come from your relationship, but from obedience to God. If he does not feel called to join the church, do not be disappointed but rather happy that he is able to be honest with his spiritual convictions.

It is not by chance that the Lord is drawing you closer first right now - he does it all for a reason. The reason is usually to take you out of control of your life so you can trust him. The Lord put me in these situations all the time. Who is in control of my life and who is in control of the lives of my loved ones. He is forever teaching me that it certainly isn't me. What the Lord wants you to do is to grow in Him, and let him take care of the spirituality of your husband. Do not push or try to take control of it - when you do you are out of your jurisdiction and might offend or anger your husband. And your husband will have a right to be angry - because he will innatey feel that he is being pushed somewhere before he is ready. The Lord doesn't push - He pulls. He doesn't force things, he leads them through. Let the Lord work on him in His timing. This will be hard but it will bring patience and trust in the Lord and peace to your marriage.

I was concerned when you said "getting real" with my faith and that others weren't "waking the walk". The times that I have said that has come from spiritual pride which is just comparing your christianity with the christianity in others. The reveation you are gaining does not come from your dedication and pushing and striving but from the pull of God and the obedience. If you are picking up that language from others, try to go the other way. That is the language of spiritual pride which I know so well, because I am so often in it and was in it to the max before the Lord set me free. That in itself will cause division in a marriage.

The Lord hates divorce and division - he will always be endeavoring to build your marriage. He will bring your husband along in His timing, what he wants you to do is trust Him to do it and take your hands off (Which is the hardest thing)

I am not married, but have talked with so many people in this same situation. I know it is a hard road, but stay in the will of GOd and trust the Lord with your marriage. The Lord has put so many of my close family members in ways that I have had no control. The more I pushed, the more they resisted, the more I took it before the Lord and trusted him for it, the more peace and the more the Lord was able to work. (Sometimes he just says - get out of my way!)

I hope you are encouraged. I know its hard. It might even get harder, but if you trust Him, He will show you what He will do. Do not expect Him to work in the way you would. He always gets to the root of things first, which often takes much longer, but once gone - gone for good. We want Him to pull up the plant quickly (if we try to do that, the root remains) Give Him time to dig around the root. Remember he must do this gently too, so it takes even longer. Let the master gardener work.

Realize that this difference is meant to be there to refine your character. It is to teach you patience and form trust! Let him do this work in you. He will use this situation with your husband to do it.

I pray for you, that in your arguments you will hear the voice of the Lord and the instruction of the Lord. I pray he will give you grace and wisdom to deal with him on what to say and what to leave to the Lord to deal with. I pray that he will continue to strengthen your faith and draw you to him in romance. I pray it will be the glory of the character and the peace of your heart that Christ brings will draw your husband, not nececssarily to church but to the perfect will of the Lord in his life. To a deeper love and knowledge to the Word of God.

[WashedClean]

Hi All,

It's been quite a while since I visited. Some of you don't know me and some do. It's great to be back.

I need to read through this thread and catch up more, but just wanted to say hello. Hubby "Mark" is still not saved (yet) but I'm as hopeful as ever for his salvation.

My sister lost her job in January and moved in with my mother who lives in the same town as me. She's a Christian so we have been going to church together and it's such a wonderful blessing. I'll be on vacation next week so you might not hear from me again, but I hope to be back on here regularly.

Dansey - just read your testimony... WOW! You give me much hope. I have struggled with Spiritual pride too, usually beating myself up. Thank you! (P.S. I'm a redhead too, but definitely short! )

Bye for now. I pray everyone has a blessed day!

Love in Him,
Jill (WashedClean)

[mbgb]

Hi Washed Clean. Nice to meet you.

Cory, thank you so much for speaking the Truth. I can tell each thing you said is truly from the Word. It puts me back in my place and humbles me. That's why I just love this site more and more each time I think it will no longer do me any good. To answer your question, I think my "friends" are just not meeting my "needs", which I know only God can meet every need. It's just hard because one of my friends has been so since I was 10. I had a rough early life...and she was basically like my mother-figure in a way too. I guess I never would have completely chosen her, but I needed someone like her I could model myself after, because all women in my life were not good models...and she was strong and confident. But anyway, so obviously I have false expectations, and she hangs out with all of our other "college" buds. Not one of them ever calls me. It just hurts my feelings. I guess I feel duped in a way? I don't know. Just childish on my part probably.

Dansey, my goodness, your words are so wise. I can also tell you sought the Lord with your answers and they are truly from the Lord. You spoke so many truths, that I cannot even repeat which one stuck out the most to me, as they all are something I should listen to. What a strong follower of Christ you are. As a single person, you have really held on tightly to God's Word and are able to offer others (including those not single) very valuable advice. I admire your wisdom and courage to share such strength of character.

Everyone's comments here remind me that God is still here, and is ruler of the world. I am reminded of how I am not perfect in my own walk, and should not judge others' walks. I am reminded of how I need to work on my own walk even more. That is the most valuable information I could have received.

In the end, it is all about God anyway, it was never just about us, or them.

[cory]

Jill welcome back . It's good to see you.
Dansey Welcome I found your words accurate and on point thank you.Ussually when we get singles in here it is to tell us how wrong we are. Thus I read your post with trepidation, however it is refreshing to hear from one who comprehends our situation

Mbgb I am glad if my words have helped I pray you will always take our advice with a grain of prayer. Better yet with a great deal of prayer. I am praying that God will help you through this time of transition. (Of course that prayer is a no brainer because of course He will)
May the peace of Christ be with you all and in this place,
Cory

[Pepperoni]

Hi Jill!!


So I had a birthday yesterday. I'm another year older but unfortunately no wiser.

But some good news in a series of bleak situations . . . it looks like we are, in fact, getting a new roof. We had given the company a $5,000 deposit; then heard rumors they were about to flee the state. We did some checking and found out the owner was/is in jail for fraud and their business license is invalid. Great. So this indicated we had been taken and would probably lose the money, and have to start all over with new bids and $5,000 less money to work with. But surprise . . . a big truck pulled up here this morning with bundles of shingles and they're going to start Monday morning. So at last . . . something finally went right!!

mbgb--I guess I have no advice other than what's already been given by others . . . hang in there and trust God. That advice might be more for me than for you, now that I think about it. My husband and I have had some issues lately that . . . well, let me just say that I know of far happier and more stable marriages than mine that have ended in divorce. I've always felt like somewhere along this marriage I have turned my husband into one of my children. I have made his life so easy and decision free that he is incapable of stepping up when times get tough - because he's used to me being the strong one. I'm quite overwhelmed with everything that's come to a head recently and his complete lack of motivation is simply soul-killing. I'm really, really tired of waking up every morning with chest pains/panic attack and wondering how on earth I'm going to get us out of this mess. But H, as usual, just goes on his merry way without a care in the world . . . or at least it seems that way. Yet I can always count on him to overreact when there's a candy wrapper on the floor. Wow. Anyway, I guess I'm just tired of constantly being all things to all people and I feel like I am physically and mentally unable to do it anymore. In reality (or in every way that really counts), H abandoned me a long time ago and I'm simply staying because I promised him and God in front of 250 people that I would. Yet I guess we could argue that I left the marriage too, in light of some recent events. I'm praying for strength for day to day issues, as well as some inspiration and optimism and solutions about the future. If others would take a minute to do the same, I'd appreciate it.