feeling divided?

[seeker]

Hi everyone

Just wanted to Know if anyone else feels like they are a split personality sometimes living with an UY spouse? I mean do you find your self standing and talking to your spouse about something you wouldn't discuss with a Christian brother or sister and then sudenly see yourself and feel just confused sometimes? Do yu ever find yourself watching one of DH's comedy dvds and laughing at stuff you know you should probably be staying away from? That sort of thing. How do you handle/feel about it? Especially if there is his music and tv shows and that sort of thing around you all the time.

Seeker

[seeker]

Sometimes it is not so much a feeling of a split personality but more a feeling of living in two worlds simaltaniously, without being always aware of it until something strikes you or you hear the Holy Spirit pull you up.

[Pete Martinez]

What's UY?

[Wilky]

Originally Posted by Pete Martinez

What's UY?

Unequally Yoked. Name of this room in the forum.

I have this issue that the OP speaks about, but not with my spouse (she's a believer).

I struggle with this when dealing with my students. I teach high school, and it is hard to not laugh at some of the stuff kids come up with it, some of it borderline "course jesting" and some of it knocking on other students/teachers. I was in the Army for six years, so it continues to be especially hard to be spirit controlled on the humor front.

On the flip side, though, I do think that many Christians are far too "stiff" when it comes to what they allow themselves to laugh at. One guy who was a co-leader in a campus ministry with me believed that guys (roommates) laughing at each other's flatulence was un Christian. I disagreed. That is being a bit too concerned for me.

I hope that helps somewhat or at least shows that someone sympathizes with your frustrations, OP.

[wilkette]

I find myself being guilty of this on another (secular) forum that I post at. In general it is a group of tight-knit ladies that really do care about one another, but the vast majority of them are liberal mysticists (for lack of a better word), so you can imagine that I often find myself at the other end of some issues that I highly disagree with them on, which makes it hard to hold my own without coming under assault. On the humor front, they can often be quite crass, and I do end up laughing at jokes and stories that I know I would never repeat to fellow believers for fear of offense.

I don't know if I have any answers for you. I can just relate. I stay involved on that forum because I do enjoy the ladies' virtual presences, but I try to be the light on the serious issues. I let the lighter things slide. Should I? Well, I can honestly admit that I'm as unsure as you. I have not read anything in the Word that has convicted me in that regard up to this point.

[seeker]

Yeh
I guess there are alot of sittuations (like being a teacher or with unsaved friends) that you do experience the same thing. I wonder how Jesus balanced or handled things as he so often ate and spent time with the really ungodly. I was thinking though that it was usually the religious people that he got frustrated with.

I wonder if we ever get good at the balance of being who we are called to be and not being religious and loving others where they are but not getting pulled into where they are or actually haveing some kind of watered down version of Christianity (which I used to be like before I got obedience). Any thoughts on how others handle it all are food for thought.

Seeker

[free4all]

The times in my life when I was clearest on how to deal with ambiguous issues like this were when I was spending lots of time reading in the Gospels and/or Proverbs... or perhaps just the Bible as a whole, but especially in those two examples.

I agree with you, Seeker, about Jesus being more frustrated with religious people than with non-religious people. That's a very common theme in the Gospels.

Since dw doesn't tend to listen to music, t.v. shows or movies that have bad language, as in your example, I don't face that specific issue. When she watches some t.v. show that I can't stand, I just leave the room and go find something else to do. That's rare since she doesn't watch much t.v. And the example I'm thinking of is probably not a bad show... it's "The Nanny" which some people like. I just can't stand to see the level of disrespect and the lack of discipline some parents allow. Perhaps not a good example of what you are asking, though.

And then there's that horrid "Wife Swapping" show which I can't stand! I have enough conflict in a week's time without adding that garbage to my mind. But OTOH, watching shows like those provide PLENTY of opportunities for discussion about God's principles because most of the conflicts in those shows are due to people ignoring God's guidelines, if one is inclined to wade into those issues with their spouse. And that show provides many examples of the importance of being like-minded when marrying someone--which is something those who are UY generally understand.

Back to your point, the times I feel most divided are when there is some spiritual principle at play, whether good or bad, and I either don't share it because dw wouldn't understand, or I don't feel like starting an argument. But, that's just a natural result of being in a relationship with someone who hasn't been enlightened by the Holy Spirit. When we open our heart to God, our perspectives change.

I think one way Jesus handled it was being focused on his mission. He probably let the little things go, the inconsequential parts of life, and instead focused on people's hearts. I remember Him chastising the Pharisees and teachers of the law, saying:

Originally Posted by Matthew 23:23-24

...you hypocrites! You give a tenth of your spices--mint, dill and cummin. But you have neglected the more important matters of the law--justice, mercy and faithfulness. You should have practiced the latter, without neglecting the former. You blind guides! You strain out a gnat but swallow a camel.

He goes on to stress the importance of being righteous rather than just appearing righteous. And as we all know, He wasn't shy about getting in someone's face and telling them they were wrong. The concept our modern church has of Jesus being a wimpy pacifist who tried never to offend is inaccurate. As I read the Gospels, I find Jesus seems to seek out confrontation at times, but that's another issue.

There may be times when it's appropriate to speak up about something, and other times when silence or leaving is more appropriate.

I know is a bit vague, and I'm not saying I always get it right. But the times in my life when it is the clearest are when I am spending lots of time reading the Bible, learning and absorbing the mind of Christ.

[Pepperoni]

When I saw the word "divided," I remembered typing a post on CF last year (May 11, 2007 to be exact) that pretty much summed up how I felt about the whole UY issue . . . and I was actually able to find this post!!

Wayne had said, in part:
" . . . a bad relationship may benefit our character more than a good relationship, if we respond correctly."

And I, being the contrary spirit that I often am, responded in this manner:

"While I agree with Wayne’s post, my initial reaction was to completely disagree with the above statement.

"I’ve always felt like I have a divided heart: my marriage on one side, God on the other. And I believe that a woman who has a divided heart can never truly move forward in life. As such, I’ve always wondered: what if I’m faced with a choice at some point? I don’t know what the circumstances might be, but I’ve always dreaded the day where I may be forced to make a choice between my marriage and my God. I am powerless to change my husband’s heart, and I can’t change the grief my marriage has caused my soul, but with God’s help I can change my own heart, and I can pray for wisdom if I’m ever faced with this decision.

"I don’t think for one minute that being married to an atheist has helped my spiritual growth. On the contrary, I feel it has inhibited that process more than it has helped. Hearing my husband ridicule my faith, in front of my children, hasn’t been productive in any way. The one thing that has helped me the most on my spiritual journey has been fellowship with other believers (even more than daily devotions and prayer, right or wrong as that may be), and I do not have this in my home. Yet I’m also aware that I can’t blame my spiritual paralysis on my husband. I alone am responsible for that.

" . . . I’m wondering if maybe I’m looking at this all wrong. Maybe this is what it takes. In fact, I can think of many times in the New Testament where we’re told to expect—and even embrace—adversity. Jesus himself said it more times than I can count. And in James 1:3 (KJV) it says that “the trying of your faith worketh patience.” As many times as I’ve read that, I have to admit I lost sight of that fact. I am not the first person to experience adversity because of my faith, and I won’t be the last. I can’t (and shouldn’t) change that reality, but I can change my attitude and my reaction; and I can be a better witness with God’s help.

"I can also be strong, and raise my children with Godly examples of strength and integrity, no matter with which trials I’m faced.

"Therefore, I have to concur with Wayne. Under certain circumstances, maybe a bad relationship really can be better for our spiritual growth. The key, like Wayne said, is responding correctly—and I would add—being open to the wisdom of God, and trusting Him for the rest."

[free4all]

Originally Posted by James 1:2-3

Consider it pure joy, my brothers, whenever you face trials of many kinds, because you know that the testing of your faith develops perseverance.

Undeniably two of my most unfavorite verses in the entire Bible.

Guess that means I'll be taking that test over again and again until I finally get it right.

[imluvd]

Originally Posted by seeker

Hi everyone

Just wanted to Know if anyone else feels like they are a split personality sometimes living with an UY spouse? I mean do you find your self standing and talking to your spouse about something you wouldn't discuss with a Christian brother or sister and then sudenly see yourself and feel just confused sometimes? Do yu ever find yourself watching one of DH's comedy dvds and laughing at stuff you know you should probably be staying away from? That sort of thing. How do you handle/feel about it? Especially if there is his music and tv shows and that sort of thing around you all the time.

Seeker

I also feel like this so often. And I have read so many books on this, but so little really on dealing with spouses who also have addiction problems. I do believe we are living two very different worlds.

I even had my mother recently tell me, I should just lock myself in my bedroom and not go around my spouse at all, sense they are watching, talking, and listening to things I shouldn't be having a part of. Even going so far as to say it is my fault they have these addiction problems because of my participation in this.

Well for one I do not participate in everything my spouse does. I do drink a couple of beer from occassionally to rarely, depending on the year. I do not do drugs, do not watch movies with nudity in them and do not let any sexual movies in my home at all. Yes, I might laugh at something off colored, but that even depends on what it is, because I have told my spouse many times that is just sick and not funny.

I think really the only way to get through these relationships is to have a really strong relationship with God. Because we should really be an influence to them and not the other way around. I believe why we are so stressed is because we are not being the influence, we are instead lowering ourselves to their levels and that is why our spirits are grieved. Why Jesus could do it, is because he didn't let these men influence him. And by his presence and the way he lived his life, I am sure these men didn't tell coarse jokes or swore. These men saw a man who cared for others, stood up for what was right about him and his father, who prayed to his father often. We should be just as close to our father as he was and I think when we are that close it will show on us as much as it did Jesus, then our spouses couldn't be doing the things they are doing without feeling some sort of conviction. This is just what the Lord showed me with my own life and I am still failing in this area more times then not. There are somethings I am very strong in and then it is those others that I need so much work. We just need to pray for each other and encourage each other to build a stronger relationship with our father, because he is the only one that can work this out for us.