Hi guys, glad to see you all still around

[irishman82]

Hello everyone,

As the header of the thread says, I am happy to see most of you that have given me advice and support are still encouraging me to come around.

You've "witnessed" my story from the beginning of this turmoil, it has been 3 weeks since then I am afraid my feelings have gone about 180 degrees about the situation with my wife.

I'll be open and honest because there's no use to join a community to just spread lies, in the end I would lie to myself and not to anyone else. I do not want anyone of you to be under the wrong impression. In the CF forums when I explained my story, as I mentioned I saw all kinds of helpful advice, but I also felt as I am the victim in the situation, and I don't want you guys to think that. I am the one who got angry and I am the one who did things of which I repent, I don't blame my wife for leaving me, she needs to feel safe and with an angry man around it's not easy.

I have done my own thinking and digging these last couple of weeks, since I spoke to you guys. I had the chance to think about all of your advices whilst going through a lot of things, and I've thought about your opinions and helpful prayers. I have prayed to our father that he might have mercy on me and to bless you all for your help, yet somehow I felt you guys got the whole story wrong, and that is my fault.

Well I will briefly explain what I am doing:

First of all I do recognize and admit that I have a problem with anger, and I am willing to work on it 110%. I am however afraid to snap in the future and loose it, and I mean it.
Second of all I have done some arrangements to get in to an anger management program that will start October the 9th. and also a Christian program that will start on Sept 12th. The first one for 20 weeks and the latter one for 24 weeks.

I hope these programs will help me and take the best out of me, I am most excited about the Christian program...not so much about the anger management one though I am still willing to do it of course, reason being is because of the people that end up going to these places...Do they really wanna be there, when they are sent there by court orders?

I am trying to cut off the bad influences and negativity from my life, create one which is full of honesty, mercy, understanding etc. It's hard to do so in such sinful world. but it's a step.

Guys, I've been going to therapy once a week, and spoke to my psychiatrist on the phone last week, told him what I was going through in life and that my counselor advised me to speak to him regarding my medication... so he bumped me 75 mg so I am currently doing 225mg a day of Effexor. I think it's working well, but I am wondering if they are having any effect with the way I am feeling towards my wife, or am I just feeling different because of the separation thing I am going through?

I feel indifferent about her right now, I feel as I have failed in our marriage and I can't do anything at this point. She will ask anything and all I can say is "it's up to you" for fear of making the wrong choice or voicing myself in the wrong way. We currently meet about 3 times a week to see my daughter in a public place and well... Since she had to go for the weekend with her parents we meet on Thursday last week, after half an hour she started to talk about money issues, she started to tell me I was spending to much in the morning at the gas station getting a coffee a Gatorade and a snack or two for the day ($4.50 average a day) I kind of felt frustrated... I mean who the heck is she to tell me how to not spend my hard earned money, when she isn't even working and I am paying all the bills? but instead I just said to her "I need to go" and I walked away...

I feel very cold towards her and don't feel like even calling her, we talk on the phone and it's ok... but I don't know what to do when I am around her.

About the legal aspect of my case:

I hate to disappoint some of you guys, but I will be not getting a lawyer, nothing worse can happen to me than what already has. I will walk up to the DA and tell him what I've done, that I am guilty and that it's his job to do what is right to protect the interests of the people as well as my punishment, which I will graciously accept. I must take full responsibility of my actions.

If all of this is her strategy to keep child custody, then so be it. I feel in the end of all of this I want what's best for my daughter and I wouldn't pull a child from her mother's arms. Her mother loves her and will do the best for her, she is in good hands.

I do not torture myself over it anymore, what is done is done and it is what it is. Concerning the legal aspect and my feelings of what happened.

The only thing I am having trouble currently is figuring out "Do I really love my wife?"

Thank you.

[irishman82]

Also another thing that I find interesting and I think that probably has had an impact on my feelings about her is that ever since late week 1 after the separation she started becoming very friendly again with me and threw a couple of innuendos about going sex and all that.
And I have to say that from the beginning of this separation I never felt like having sex with her, in fact I looked at it this way... It'll probably be a year ( the time amount she offered for our separation) for me to have sex with her again, once she has totally moved back in.

And last week she asked me concerned (which I saw coming at one point or another) Are you going to have sex with other women? And I said No... She felt like because I am a "guy" I can't go "holding" it like a woman does... and I was completely disgusted about her question even tho I considered I was honest with her, for the simple reason that she has recently accused me of not being trustworthy on other things (remember when I first posted in CF the whole argument of did you buy this? and I was ignoring her? well I must've lied to her). So I have to say... I don't feel exactly close to her and I feel like I should've included this on my former thread.

[Jenniewren]

Hi Irishman,
I didn't realise you had put a new thread here. Sorry for not responding sooner. You are in my thoughts and prayers. I hope the counselling goes well. I am glad you are making the effort to do that. It will help in your favour in court as well.

[free4all]

Hi Irishman, glad you found us! Thanks for the update.

That's great that you are going to the anger management classes, and especially the Christian class. And as far as not getting a lawyer, if you have peace about that, and are willing to take whatever your wife and the courts decide, I'm not going to criticize you for it. Your decision, and I will trust you are following God's guidance in your life. You are the only one who can hear God's voice in your spirit.

Originally Posted by irishman82

I am trying to cut off the bad influences and negativity from my life, create one which is full of honesty, mercy, understanding etc. It's hard to do so in such sinful world. but it's a step.

Good step. Surround yourself with good, Christian influences if you can.

Originally Posted by irishman82

I am currently doing 225mg a day of Effexor. I think it's working well, but I am wondering if they are having any effect with the way I am feeling towards my wife, or am I just feeling different because of the separation thing I am going through?

It could be either, or both.

Originally Posted by irishman82

I feel indifferent about her right now, I feel as I have failed in our marriage and I can't do anything at this point. She will ask anything and all I can say is "it's up to you" for fear of making the wrong choice or voicing myself in the wrong way.

Well, she does pretty much hold all the cards now, especially since you have decided not to retain legal counsel. It is better if you do all you can not to upset her now, if possible...

Originally Posted by irishman82

she started to tell me I was spending to much in the morning at the gas station getting a coffee a Gatorade and a snack or two for the day ($4.50 average a day) I kind of felt frustrated... I mean who the heck is she to tell me how to not spend my hard earned money, when she isn't even working and I am paying all the bills? but instead I just said to her "I need to go" and I walked away...

Good choice to walk away. She threw you out of the house, so she doesn't have a say in what you now spend for snacks during the day. Is she a controlling person? You already have one mother--you don't need another. Of course, if you tell her that, she'll probably make life more difficult for you during the separation. If she has a tendency to control every aspect of your life, I can see why you feel indifferent toward her.

Originally Posted by irishman82

I feel very cold towards her and don't feel like even calling her, we talk on the phone and it's ok... but I don't know what to do when I am around her.

I felt the same way when my wife threw me out. It's called a reaction to rejection. She forced you out, by police action. Don't be surprised or ashamed you don't feel all lovy-dovy toward her right now.

Originally Posted by irishman82

I do not torture myself over it anymore, what is done is done and it is what it is.

Good!

Originally Posted by irishman82

The only thing I am having trouble currently is figuring out "Do I really love my wife?"

You've got plenty of time to figure this out. There is no rush.

Originally Posted by irishman82

Also another thing that I find interesting and I think that probably has had an impact on my feelings about her is that ever since late week 1 after the separation she started becoming very friendly again with me and threw a couple of innuendos about going sex and all that.

How would it look if you threw her out for a year, but then were hinting you wanted sex during that year? You would look like a self-centered cad. I've seen many people urge wives who were separated not to continue having sex with their husbands. Your decision, of course, but... is it an attempt to control you? Or does she have a high sex drive? If so, she should have thought of that before she selected a year separation.

Originally Posted by irishman82

And I have to say that from the beginning of this separation I never felt like having sex with her, in fact I looked at it this way... It'll probably be a year ( the time amount she offered for our separation) for me to have sex with her again, once she has totally moved back in.

And last week she asked me concerned (which I saw coming at one point or another) Are you going to have sex with other women? And I said No... She felt like because I am a "guy" I can't go "holding" it like a woman does... and I was completely disgusted about her question even tho I considered I was honest with her, for the simple reason that she has recently accused me of not being trustworthy on other things

If you are honest with her and she refuses to trust you, let her deal with her own insecurities about trust. You're separated, remember? Separate lives now, due to the legal action she initiated. That means you decide what you buy at the store, and you decide if you don't want to have sex with her.

Sorry to be blunt, Irishman... I'm rushing to get off to work, but I did want to answer you this morning. Keep in mind that she threw you out, and there will be repercussions for both of you. You are obligated to deal with the after-effects, but so is she. That means she doesn't get any say in what you do any more. Basically, you are living a single life for a year. It's understandable you feel indifferent toward one who threw you out of the home and is keeping you from your child. Maybe now you're seeing her in a different light because you know her better. Maybe you're tired of her controlling your life. Frankly, whether you feel loving or indifferent toward your wife doesn't matter a whole lot right now. You've got many other issues to deal with.

Good job on walking away from her rather than blowing up. Man, I can't believe she would tell you that you are spending too much on snacks here and there. She will have enough control of your finances after the courts get through with you--you don't need her determining how you spend every penny. You might find you like the freedom of being single again.

Thanks for your honesty. I hope I haven't offended you by my bluntness.

Wayne

[kissingfish]

whatis the story...I'm lost...just curious

[free4all]

Irishman, I have been unnecessarily harsh toward your wife in some of my posts. I hope you will accept my apology.

How are you doing today?

[irishman82]

Hi guys,

I am doing well F4A, thanks for asking man. I think wife and I can agree that after having some arguments last night over the phone we were able to pacify the situation, realizing that we are both tired of arguing and saying stuff we don't mean to each other.

I think it was a coincidence although some of you might have the right to think that I have sort of changed the version of my story right when she posted in the CF. I had actually started this thread the night before she actually read the one in CF.

I was just worried that some of you guys might get a perception of me that isn't accurate. I do agree with many of you when you have mentioned that you never exactly rooted for me but tried to guide me knowing that I had my guilts, and I think that your guidance, caring and prayers can often be misinterpreted with a root or standing firm next to the person who is sharing the issue.

What I value at this exact moment is that I enjoy the current moment, wife and I currently get along and have "matured" by admitting some of our faults. IMO we just need to create a template or patern that revolves around getting along, then on how to react against issues etc...

I want to thank you for your support and my wife is more than welcome to join us if she wants, what matters is that we pull through a moment together and we can help each other.

Thank you.

[free4all]

Irishman,

I'm glad to hear you and your wife have a moment of respite from the arguing. I hope you will continue the counseling you have started, and I pray it will be beneficial to you. I hope you can find the root cause of your tendency to react violently. Not all anger is sin (Jesus was quite angry when he threw the moneychangers out of the temple), but being physically violent around the house is something you must eliminate if you want a peaceful marriage, and if you want to stay out of jail. You have taken several first steps by admitting it and by taking steps to deal with it. That's more than many ever do. I hope you see it through to the end.

Now having said that, I must add the caveat that at times angry confrontation may be necessary and can be beneficial in a marriage if one's partner is displaying behavior that is unacceptable. Just leave the violence out of it.

I'm not placing any blame in your situation, but I do want to mention some general observations I've made by observing marriages other than yours. If one partner is violent, it is entirely appropriate for the other partner to bring in the authorities and to say "I will not continue living like this--either deal with this successfully, or our marriage is over." That is far better than putting up with unacceptable behavior, living in fear, and enabling the violent one to continue a lifestyle of intimidation and violence. On the other hand, if one partner falsely accuses the other of violence and involves the authorities, that is clear justification for me for the marriage to end. No one should need to live in fear of being falsely accused, either. Those who falsely accuse others of violence, or who initiate violence in order to play the victim, deserve to live alone (edited to add "deserve to be in jail themselves"). Just general principles I believe, which may not apply to your marriage.

I hope you and your wife will continue to seek God's ways throughout your marriage. This can be a time of renewing and rebuilding. Recent events could be the catalyst for turning your marriage into such a wonderful partnership that you may at some point be thankful for the events that have transpired... but only if you both follow through with some difficult work that is ahead.

Irishman, I commend you for reaching out for help, and for being honest about issues you are dealing with. God always rewards true repentance.

I hope you will keep us updated on how the court issues turn out, and with anything else you feel like discussing.

May peace reign in your hearts and in your home.

[cory]

Irishman ,
sory I only just noticed this thread. I am glad you have started to work your way down the path to recovery. I still recomend attornies but you must do what you beleive is right. I would recomend moving your banking to an ac**** that only you have access to as long as you are single. That does not mean you should pull the rug out from under your wife financialy but neither should she dictate your spending from afar. I would sugest buying the lunch/ snack stuff ahead of time at a store that gives better value than the quick-e-mart. That would be good stewardship of the funds God has given you and as you know are supporting two households at least in part, you do need to be careful I suspect. As to the question of love I would have to say it depends on your definition of love. I define it as an active decision, not a feeling. As such I choose to love my wife even when I don't feel like loving her. I know that cold numb feeling inside we all get there sometimes that's when true love sticks it out, and Feelings take a walk. My oppinion has not changed since your wife posted other than I softened toward her a bit when she posted a second time. I tried to walk the line between giving you encouragement and hopefully Godly advise, and assuming the worst. I personally can't imagine being in your situation and not being guarded with a group of strangers. As such I really tried to warn you to protect yourself and be responsible. There is hope I would recomend doing a study on the fruit of the spirit. The list includes Self control and being slow to anger amongst others. these are the things that God has promised WILL be displayed in those who are full or His Spirit. It takes work to produce fruit but it is possible, even expected as part of the transforming power of Christ. It is right to be conserned and work toward change but you also can claim these things. Some work for years to get there others well I have a freind who claims the transformation in his attitude of anger and violence happened in a period of 9 days while he was in prison. Seek God there you will find change or the streangth to change. Just my oppinion but feel free to tell me if I'm wrong or simply ignore my rambling.

[free4all]

Irishman, how are you doing?