Kissingfish,
You have asked what advice I have for you in looking for a mate. I have learned some things the hard way, and I have observed others make good and bad decisions as they chose mates. I will freely share with you my recommendations. They will offend some. That is not my concern. For this post, my obligation is to you and you alone, to give you the absolute best advice I can give, based on my observations and mistakes over the years. It will be my own biased advice, but what else do I have to offer? It will probably not be what you expected.
At times, I may paint a bleak picture of what could happen in a marriage. All the bad possibilities are the result of sin in this world, either the sin of mankind in general, or the sin of individuals. Having said that, I believe it is God's plan that people marry (not all, but most). I also believe it is His plan that people have children (not all, but most) based on His command to Adam and Eve to go forth and multiply. I realize not all can have children, and not all want children. I make no judgments on those who are in those categories. What I'm trying to say is that although a marriage will bring troubles, marriage and children can also bring great joys. Some are called to singleness, but I believe most are called to marriage. Since you are interested in marriage, I believe you are probably called to marriage.
I have long been accused of rambling a bit, but I hope you can sort through the words and find some things that are of value to you.
For those who made decisions contrary to some of my advice which follows (myself included), I am not offering any judgments on what anyone has done. I am only offering cautions to those yet to walk this road.
Okay, with that introduction, here is my straightforward advice.
Your Lifestyle and Mindset
Make a habit, if medically possible, to fast and pray. After your decision to follow Christ, whom you marry will affect you and your children and your grandchildren more than any other decision you make. I would say that is worth fasting over, and not just once or twice. Sometimes people fast a meal or two or perhaps one day every week. In the past, routinely fasting even one meal a week had great results for me. If you are medically able, I recommend making it a regular part of your lifestyle.
Purpose to walk with God, even if it means living single all your life. If you have a great desire to be married, that may be from God. However, He may want to know if you desire a relationship with Him or a relationship with a husband more. God tested Abraham to see if he would give up something good, something God wanted Abraham to have--a son. God wants to be first in our lives, even before other good things. If we put other good things in front of God, don't expect that to work out well, no matter what they are. God will get our attention one way or another if we do that.
Get rid of any self-imposed time limits. If you set a time limit, as you near the end of the time, you will become less selective in your choice. You may end up choosing from the available field at the end of the time limit rather than waiting on God. It could be that God has arranged for you to meet your husband 6 months after your self-imposed time limit is over.
Never step foot in a bar for any reason.
Never live with a man before marriage.
If you have sex with a man before marriage, your judgment concerning that relationship will be significantly clouded.
Dating non-Christians
Purpose to never knowingly date a non-Christian, even a casual date or some seemingly innocent time alone. Now is the time to be ultra-selective with whom you give your heart to, and something as simple as one date or event can start the process of blinding your heart to a man's true character. Better to make a good choice with your head up front, than to risk war with your head and your heart later on. In similar situations, I have observed the heart often wins, only to be proven wrong later by the head once the consequences are intractable.
One of the most common mistakes I have observed among young Christian women is that of marrying a guy who seems so nice and good but is not a Christian. Usually her choice is accompanied with a complaint that the Christian men she has dated don't "act Christian", or she may say the non-Christian acts even more Christian than the Christians. Or she may complain of the unavailability of qualified Christian candidates. The woman may convince herself that the guy she is dating is such a great guy that it doesn't matter if he accepts Christ or not as long as they have love. She may also believe it won't be any problem to pray him into the kingdom, not realizing that the final decision will be his and not hers, and not realizing such a process may take many pain-filled decades if it does occur.
Those reasons may seem true to her, but IMO are short-sighted. Is God not capable of bringing a Christian man into the picture of her life? Is our God so powerless that He has to work within the woman's known acquaintances? Is she not capable of changing her location or living circumstances herself? When one begins to use justifications such as those mentioned, the person is usually past the point of listening to good counsel about only marrying a Christian. At that point, they are on the verge of entering a phase of life from which there will be no return, and certainly not an absence of pain and scars.
Dating new vs. mature Christians
Only consider guys who have been Christians for awhile. I wouldn't even date a new Christian. I've seen many new "Christians" fall away after walking with God for a short time. Matthew 13 tells of those who receive the good news "with joy", yet later fall away. Of course, people can fall away at any time in their Christian walk, but the odds of them falling away sooner after they accept Christ are greater than the odds of them falling away later.
Look for someone who has served in a church ministry for awhile. Three years is a good minimum. That's almost an arbitrary number, and there are no guarantees, but my old Pastor says most people who quit serving will quit within 3 years. Serving in a ministry is not a guarantee of one's spiritual state, but a person who is truly a Christian will have some fruit manifesting somewhere.
A real test of a man's spirituality IMO is if he gives regularly to the church or not. Charles Stanley said, "What a man believes is what he does. Everything else is just talk." A man can talk Christian-speak all day long, but if he isn't giving money on a regular basis to the church, IMO something is wrong. NOTE: This is NOT an apt description of married women. I know some women are unable to give to the church because they may not have a job outside the home, and their husbands forbid them to give. I understand that, and am not condemning them. This advice is concerning a SINGLE MAN who is in sole control of his budget.
Dating Muslims-a special warning
I have observed a common theme among those who marry Muslim men, even those men who aren't practicing the Muslim religion at the time of dating. It usually happens that the longer the marriage goes on, and especially once children are present, at some point the man will decide to return to the religion of his youth. It is common for his mind-shift to result in demanding his wife to embrace the Muslim religion, and his absolute insistence that the children follow suit.
Unfortunately, it is also fairly common for a Muslim man at some point to take the children and return to his native country, without the wife's knowledge and without her if she chooses not to embrace the Muslim religion. I do not believe most people have known heartache of the depth of a Christian mother who has had her children kidnapped by the Muslim father and spirited away to a Muslim country against her wishes. Since in most or all Arab countries doing that is not a crime and is often even condoned, a mother in such a situation can expect no help from our State Department concerning custody, visitation, etc. The only success story I know of where a mother was reunited with her children against the father's wishes involved the use of an American mercenary.
If you remember nothing else from my post, I hope you remember my advice to not date any Muslim men, or men who were brought up in that religion, whether they are following it now or not. There is something primeval about their eventual return to the Muslim religion. This issue has deep spiritual connections dating back thousands of years, ones that are not easily broken. I have seen very few Muslims choose Christ, or even permanently walk away from the religion of their fathers. Often, the longer they live, the stronger their connection to the Muslim faith. In my observations, Muslims are often more fanatically committed to their religion than most who claim to be Christian.
Personal Traits of Prospective Mates
Habits and health issues
If a man doesn't eat well or take care of his body with exercise, ask yourself if you are willing to be a widow for the last 15-20 years of your life, and take care of a husband in self-induced poor health for several years before his death.
Be cautious of someone who drinks alcohol frequently, or even occasionally drinks alcohol to excess.
I would not date a smoker, and I would be cautious of dating an ex-smoker. I've seen too many smokers relapse. That is, unless you don't mind burying your husband 7-10 years sooner than average, spending thousands of dollars on extra medical bills, watching him die a long and slow death, possibly passing that habit on to your children, and increasing your own risk and the risk of your children of acquiring cancer due to secondhand smoke... and also unless you don't mind kissing a smoker for a lifetime.
Drugs are out of the question. If a man chooses any illegal drugs at all (or abuses legal drugs) no matter how small the amount, leave that relationship and never return.
Family
Be cautious of someone who has a family history of alcoholism, divorce, or smoking. I've seen these traits passed down from generation to generation.
Place value on a man's relationship with his dad. Place high value on a man's relationship with his mom, and the dynamics of the relationship between his dad and his mom.
Sex
If a man tries to bed you before marriage or doesn't show you respect in other sexual areas, ask yourself why he doesn't feel you are worth waiting for. Also, if he will ignore God's laws concerning sex before marriage, don't be surprised if he does the same after marriage. I'm not saying you have to find a virgin, but if a guy has any sexual immorality in his recent past, let's just say 5 years or so, or from the time he's supposedly claimed to have experienced a Christian conversion, he may be more apt to fall in that area.
And for you, there is a reason Song of Solomon says not to awaken passion until its time. It will certainly cloud your judgment in your choosing of a mate. It will cause you to overlook or not even notice great character flaws in a man until after marriage. It's really best in a number of ways to hold off on the passion until the appropriate time, i.e., after marriage.
I would not date a recovering homosexual. I've seen too many relapses from those in that category.
Ability to provide financially
I would not date a guy who doesn't display the means or a plan to provide for a family, whether that is a college degree (or working on one), a marketable or special skill, or something similar. If a guy can't provide for himself, how can he provide for a family? In our country, a high school education alone isn't going to cut it. He needs something going for him other than the ability to do manual labor.
Ability and willingness to lead
I would look for a leader, but not a dictator. Someone strong enough to say "No" to you, but one who does it gently and with purpose.
I would not look for a weak husband. I've seen women do so due to a poor relationship with their own father, or their desire to be in control of the marriage. When a woman does this, it often leads to either her or her husband rejecting her authoritarian role later in the marriage. If the husband rejects it, he may either leave, become extremely volatile as he throws off her yoke, or he may engage in affairs and totally withdraw from the marriage, emotionally and physically. If the wife rejects her self-appointed leadership, I've seen women have to endure still being the leader because the husband is either weak or prefers her being in charge, even though she doesn't want to lead any longer. You as a woman are not designed to be the leader of the home. You can forcefully choose that role, but IMO your marriage will not be fully satisfying to you if you do.
Understands the dangers in our society, and is willing to provide security
If you want a husband who can protect you and your children, only date men who believe in the right to keep and bear arms. If your home is broken into by gunmen intent on evil, if your husband doesn't have a gun ready, his options are to watch you get raped before he dies, or die before you get raped, depending on the mood of the bad guy. If you don't believe in having guns in the home, I recommend you do some research on the increase of home invasions in the U.S. Here's one that got my attention: very nice neighborhood in Cheshire, CT, much nicer than where I live, two teenage daughters, loving wife... (Link at the end.)
I'm not sure where you live, so I don't know the laws of concealed carry in your state. Most states allow this now, although not all yet. IMO, any American man who doesn't have a concealed carry permit, who is legally entitled to receive one, is unable and unwilling to take care of his family against the evils in our society. A man who is unwilling to legally use firearms to protect his family, where the law fully allows, IMO invalidates himself to be the head and protector of a family. One of the best things you can do in that regard is choose a husband who is willing to own and carry a gun.
I also recommend you take steps to protect yourself and your children. It would be prudent for you to become familiar with guns yourself (since your husband will not always be around you and your children), and be willing to use a gun should you or your family be threatened. It is possible to handle and store guns safely with children around. I can provide you with links for quick-access gun safes, pistols with various safety devices built-in, etc.
Many will disagree with that advice, but let me ask you this: if a man is coming at you with rape or the kidnapping of your children on his mind, would you rather be armed with a phone or a gun? If a man robs you or kidnaps you at gunpoint, do you want to trust whether you live or die to his mood? Don't expect to be protected from all violent crime just because you are a Christian. I can give you many examples of where that was not enough: Virginia Tech, Columbine, and the recent shooting at New Life Church in Colorado Springs, Colorado, come to mind immediately.
There is another, better way. If you want a woman's perspective on guns, check out this site:
www.corneredcat.com. I have also included a few other links at the end that illustrate why we cannot ignore the potential for crime touching us or our families. We don't get a free pass on crime just because we or our parents are Christians.
Jesus' command concerning self-defense
If you were raised to believe Christians should be peace-lovers at all costs, may I suggest taking another look at Jesus' words. One of the last things Jesus told his disciples was to be armed. "If you don't have a sword, sell your cloak and buy one" (Luke 22:35-36). Some Christian "experts" try to twist his words and say he was speaking figuratively. If so, how do you figuratively sell a cloak? Furthermore, in verse 36, Jesus told the disciples to be prepared for things by taking a purse, a bag, and a sword. Jesus even stressed the importance of having a sword by telling them to sell their cloak if they had to in order to purchase a sword. I see nothing in that passage that lends itself to figurative items. Jesus directed the disciples to buy swords.
Jesus gave this as a command, not a suggestion. Do you think we have the option of which of Jesus' commands to accept, and which to ignore? If we can ignore this command, can we ignore others also? There are a few that would make my life much easier if I were to ignore them.
Jesus also knew Peter was armed in the garden before Peter drew his sword. Jesus never criticized Peter for being armed. Jesus only told Peter to put his sword away when he tried to take on a group of armed Roman soldiers. Had Jesus not intervened, Peter likely would have been killed on the spot. Jesus had other plans for Peter, such as preaching and leading thousands to God.
Jesus did say, "Those who live by the sword will die by the sword." Defending one's family is not "living by the sword." Robbers, murderers, rapists, and those who use weapons against the legal authorities are examples of people who are "living by the sword", and may also "die by the sword." (And for those who want to nit-pick, a sword was the self-defense weapon of Jesus' time. I equate a sword from that time to a handgun of today.)
Jesus did say to turn the other cheek (Luke 6:29). Being slapped was an insult. Overlooking an insult is not even remotely in the same league as protecting our family. The Bible also says anyone who won't provide for their own family is worse than an unbeliever (1 Timothy 5:8). I believe providing security and protection for our family is just as important, even more important, than providing for their physical desires and needs.
The entire Old Testament speaks of defending one's self and family. I reference Jesus' own words because some people will try to invalidate all the OT teachings on self-defense by saying Jesus came to bring peace and love. I disagree with that position, but some claim to believe it. If you are one of those, may I recommend reading the Gospels over and over. I think you will find that Jesus did not come to bring peace, at least not at this time.
The bottom line is it is important to choose a man who can and will protect you and your children from the evils in this world today. We can choose to close our eyes to the evil around us, but if we do so, we will indeed suffer. Ignoring a threat does not make it disappear. In many instances, pretending a threat doesn't exist increases the chances of being a victim. Criminals look for the weak and the unassuming. Don't be deceived into thinking that if you don't acknowledge evil, it will leave you alone. I can provide you with 100 verifiable examples within an hour to refute that flawed thought process, and 1000 examples if you give me a few hours.
I have seen trends among groups of people in my life, and I am passing on what I have observed to you. If you or anyone else want to disregard human trends and believe the odds won't apply because one is a Christian, I would say that person is either young, or has chosen to disregard reality.
Being a Christian does not protect us from consequences of bad decisions. Being a Christian does not keep a young girl from getting pregnant if she has sex before marriage. Being a Christian does not keep one from being gunned down like an animal when a madman starts shooting. If you choose a man who acknowledges the evil in this world, and is willing to take action against that evil rather than pretend it doesn't exist, the chances of you and your children surviving and thriving increase.
Summary
To sum all of this up, if you want to live in a fantasyland of thinking things are going to go your way because you are a Christian, without you making good choices, then... feel free to marry a non-Christian or a new Christian (could be the same thing), a Muslim... someone who is playing around with smoking, drinking or drugs... someone who tries to get in your pants while dating... someone who has a history of being involved in the gay lifestyle... someone who has a family history of alcohol, smoking, drugs, or divorce... someone who thinks crime always happens to others, and refuses to take precautions.
Don't impose a time limit on yourself to find a mate. This will cause you to settle on the choices at hand as you near the end of your time limit.
Plan on living a single life in the Lord. When He has your heart, then He will become interested in bringing you and a mate together if that is His desire. If that is not His desire, you are better off being single. If God doesn't have your heart, He may use the failings of a mate to bring you to Him... on your knees. And when that happens, I've seen people eventually return to God, yet God doesn't remove the issues that brought them to their knees. They get to learn to live in God's grace and deal with the issues that their mate or they themselves still have.
In other words, God doesn't undo the mistakes we make, nor does He always take away the punishments or consequences of our choices, even after we repent. King David repented of his sin with Bathsheba and the murder of Uriah, but King David's firstborn son still died, and blood never left the house of King David, as God foretold due to Uriah's murder.
It may be you are called to be a wife. It may be you have a burning desire to be a mother. I think that's likely. But I recommend you purpose to live a single life in the Lord unless you are certain of God's calling for a specific husband.
I guess my post could be summed up by saying look for someone who is not a new Christian, but a mature Christian, who has a track record of serving in the church and giving to the church... someone who has a track record of self control, which will be manifested in the lack of bad habits, and the presence of good habits... and pay close attention to his relationship with his parents, especially his mother. Analyze his potential to provide for the family, and his dedication to protecting them in the world we live in, not the fantasy world we wish existed. And if he can't keep himself sexually pure now, don't be surprised if he won't after marriage either.
Perhaps it could be further summed up to say look for one who has a habit of walking with the Lord, good character, the ability to provide for a family, and the willingness to defend a family against the evils of this world.
I've reread what I wrote, and I now realize I scarcely mentioned love. If you are primarily looking for love from a man, you can be led astray by many. If you had a lack of love from your dad when you were a young child, you may be drawn to any man who will give you love and affection. Don't be fooled by this. Once you fall in love, you will be blinded to his other qualities. Listen with your heart to God's voice, but use your head to treat this as a practical matter, in some ways as a business decision. That sounds cold, but if you marry someone who can't or won't provide for you and your children, your marriage won't last, or it won't be anywhere near what you want. If you marry someone who has glaring social problems or mental issues that you were blinded to before marriage, you will certainly suffer for that.
Try to view selecting a mate as objectively as you can, for as long as you can. Introduce any prospective mates to your family if possible, and weigh carefully the opinions of those you trust.
Seek out premarital counseling, and be sure to discuss financial issues, sexual expectations, conflict resolution styles, parenting styles, where you expect to live and retire, etc. If your church does not offer premarital counseling, or if the counselors are not experienced or qualified, seek counseling elsewhere even if it is secular. While secular counseling has the glaring omission of leaving God out, receiving qualified secular counseling is probably better than receiving none, as long as their advice does not contradict Biblical teachings.
And finally, permit me to give you the same advice I will be giving my daughter in a few years... again, actually... be willing to have lots of sex, and be willing to allow your husband to be the leader in the home. IMO, the greatest desires of most men are respect and sex. If you give your husband great quantities of those, I think it will increase the chances of you two having a happy marriage. If you use sex as a tool to manipulate or punish, don't be surprised if he looks elsewhere. Sex is meant to be a gift to each other, not a tool to manipulate, control or punish.
I will end this post by listing the two things in my life that, when I practiced them consistently, have noticeably given me God's wisdom to deal with matters:
1) A habit of fasting, as I previously mentioned. Even as little as one meal a week on a consistent basis gives results, not only by increasing spiritual awareness, but also learning to deny physical pleasures and aiding in health issues.
2) A habit of reading Proverbs, the greatest collection of wisdom in the world. At one point in my life, I read a chapter of Proverbs a day--31 chapters of Proverbs, one for every day of the month. I'd start at Proverbs 1 on the first of every month, and finish Proverbs 31 at the end of the month. After doing this for many months, I would begin to "hear" verses jump out at me during the course of the day during all kinds of different situations. I might hear someone say something, and a verse of wisdom would come to mind. I might meet someone new, or even someone I already knew, and a verse describing a certain type of person would come to mind. In this manner, God's wisdom spoke to me many times during the course of a regular day. This guided me in many decisions.
Immerse yourself in God's wisdom, and make a habit of fasting. This will sharpen your perception abilities and also sharpen your ability to hear from God. You won't have to remember a bunch of rules of what to look for and what to avoid--God will tell you by His Spirit about the people you meet.
And it may be that the one you marry will have some great struggle in life to overcome, a struggle which will certainly affect you and your family. This is life, also. We don't know what God has planned for us. That is no excuse to not take all the precautions we can, however, but if... rather, when... things get tough in a marriage, it doesn't necessarily mean you made a bad choice in a mate. Just be as cautious as you can, relying on God's Spirit but also on your good choices, as you seek a mate.
Warning against idolizing marriage
Lastly, do not idolize marriage. Are you willing to be single if you don't feel God has brought you a mate? Or will you choose someone in the absence of God's blessings, or in the presence of God's silence? If you idolize marriage, I guarantee you difficulties will come in order to turn your heart back to focus on God. He is a jealous God, and He wants to be first in our lives.
Another thing I have observed, both firsthand and with others, is that when one values being married too much, sometimes they compromise too much, to the detriment of their marriage. My marriage strengthened considerably only after I refused to be afraid of divorce any longer. By not fearing divorce, I was able to take stronger stands on important issues. As a result, I required my wife to treat me better, suffer harsh consequences of her disrespect, or leave. She chose to treat me better, but I was and am okay with it if she had chosen to leave.
The idolization of being married will lead to compromise. Marriage is not our final destination in life. Our primary reason for existing is to have a relationship with our Creator. Everything else is secondary.
Final warning
May you always look to God for your reason for existing, and for direction in your life.
And may you choose wisely, for the choice is yours, but the irrevocable consequences belong to you and your children.
Links
The Wichita Horror. If you want to know the depravity of humans, and how innocent people can find themselves in a bad situation through no fault of their own, read this until the end. I read this several months ago, and I still see mental images of what I read. This article alone impacts how I live my life, and the precautions I take daily.
http://www.crimelibrary.com/notoriou...ers/index.html
Cheshire, Connecticut home invasion. Because of what happened to this family and the way it happened, I carry a handgun on my person in my home every moment I'm awake, unless I'm in the shower. And when I'm in the shower or in bed, at least one gun is within arm's reach. Call me paranoid if you want. I'm sure the good doctor from Cheshire now wishes he had been as paranoid ("prepared" is a better word, IMO) as I am now. If he had been, his family would not have suffered and died as they did. If you read this short article, I don't believe you will ever forget it. I won't.
http://kerryfoxlive.com/wordpress/?p=9319
Virginia Tech massacre. This tragedy shows the total toothlessness of gun control laws, which criminals ignore. A few months before the mass murder, the VT administration specifically banned those with licenses for carrying concealed weapons from carrying on campus. This ensured the madman would have no opposition until police arrived (he fired over 170 rounds and executed 32 innocent people before the police located him 9 minutes later). It is also another example of how being a Christian didn't save people from random violence or the bad decisions of others.
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Virginia_Tech_massacre
December 2007, Westroads shopping mall, Omaha, Nebraska. Another example of how criminals ignore the gun-free signs. The law-abiding people left their guns at home or in their cars, and as a result, the shooter shot until he chose to quit shooting. The madman killed 8 people in less than 2 minutes, finishing before the police were even dispatched.
http://www.foxnews.com/story/0,2933,315342,00.html
December 2007, New Life Church shooting, Colorado Springs, Colorado. No place is safe. Last month, two sisters were killed in the parking lot of the church as they left the service. This is the one example where a civilian with a concealed carry license stopped the threat before any others could be killed. The gunman had hundreds and hundreds of rounds of ammunition on him when he entered the church that had a crowd of approximately 7,000 people that day. Once he was confronted by the female citizen who had a concealed carry license (and was legally carrying her weapon that day), the gunman killed no other innocents. She ended the threat and saved numerous lives by using her handgun.
http://www.foxnews.com/story/0,2933,316322,00.html
A woman's perspective on personal protection and protection of the family.
http://www.corneredcat.com
P.S. I have omitted two paragraphs that I feel are not appropriate for the public forum. I will pm them to you instead. I will also pm them to anyone else who requests them by pm. I am not going to post my warnings on this topic publicly because it is very personal to some, and I am quite blunt in my analysis. Note: they do not pertain to anything of a sexual nature.
What to look for in a mate
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